


White as snow

by Yohao88



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Major Character Injury, Post-Canon, Post-Free! Eternal Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-05 03:33:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15855378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yohao88/pseuds/Yohao88
Summary: After graduation and the beginning of their college life, a few months before Rin's departure for Australia, Haru and his friends decide to enjoy their winter holiday skiing all together on the nearest mountain. A fight with Rin and Haru's foggy feelings will turn this happy event into his darkest nightmare.





	White as snow

**Author's Note:**

> This story comes from a dream I actually had long ago. I finally decided to write it down, though I've made some adjustments. It's not easy to translate it into words, but I did my best and I hope you enjoy it. :)

Snow.

A picture.

Complete darkness.

If he had to sum up his last memories, that would have been the perfect lineup.

Not that he could recall much else.

Was he trapped? He didn’t know.

He couldn’t see a thing around him.

No sound, no smell, no light.

Nothing.

How he arrived there… he wasn’t sure.

There was quite some chaos in his head, as if someone took it and started shaking it as you do with a snow globe.

Snow…

That was familiar.

He had this little… puzzle of moments and he could hardly put the pieces together.

It was cold.

They were… on the mountains?

Yeah!

Winter holidays.

They decided to go for some fun on the snow during the winter break. All the eight of them. A sort of Iwatobi and Samezuka camp. Just… not training.

He could remember Nagisa and Rei already planning “relays” on the snow, though they weren’t even able to ski properly – or at all. Another thing Rei’s theories couldn’t really help him with. Nagisa learned pretty fast, reckless as he was, Momo wanted to, but he was too impatient to do things right properly. Ai was already able to ski a little bit. Same went for Sousuke, who apparently loved skiing and slid peacefully down the track in a really relaxed and chill composure. Makoto was able to use a snowboard decently, since they both learned how to do so when they were kids and went on holidays together with their families. Lastly, Rin was as good as skateboarding as he was at snowboarding and had no troubles at all, initiating speed races with him at any given opportunity.

It was fun.

They were staying at this little traditional hotel, futon all over the tatami, hanging out till bed time, playing cards and silly games all together till late at night. It was just a pity they decided to go for two rooms for four people, drawing members at random. He ended up with Makoto, Sousuke and Ai. Just thinking about Rin handling both Nagisa and Momo was making him laugh. He could hear him getting pissed and probably kick them to bed at some point.

Given the not so much time they could spend together during their life, he would have liked to share even the room with him, though. There was a lot he could discuss with him. Swimming practice, training regimens, the next time they could swim together again…

And most of all… his departure towards Australia.

Rin was bound to leave in Spring, about a year after their graduation. He took his time to collect a little more money, take a driving license – together with him and Makoto – and train every day under a private coach he met during nationals in high school.

Though he, Makoto and Sousuke moved out when they started college, they all lived more or less close to Iwatobi, but life and different distances made it even harder to meet than when they were in high school. This was why this holiday was exactly what they needed to… refill their social needs.

They even took a group picture all together, gently shot by another tourist. It was a nice one. All colorful snowsuits in contrast with the white snow.

And then…

Yes.

Another fight.

He couldn’t even recall the reason now.

After about two or so days out of the week they were supposed to stay there, he and Rin clashed over something in a rather aggressive way – he couldn’t stand Rin’s blockhead sometimes – and refused to speak to each other for the next couple of days. How to freeze down a happy trip with friends in one stupid move.

That was not the first time it happened. They ended up fighting here and there, for silly reasons, because pride demanded them to, and also made them reluctant about making peace. Whenever he felt they were getting a bit closer,  _this_ . Why?

The atmosphere got so tense that their friends were purposely keeping them separated for the sake of a lighter mood. At some point, he was so fed up with Rin’s refusal to change his mind that he decided to drive to the near town for some groceries shopping, so they could bring some snacks with them the day after, when they planned a walk in the middle of nature.

That trip in that rented car was… something.

Being alone with himself, he found his whole brain filled with… with Rin. Why did they have to fight like that shortly before Rin had to leave? The more that moment was close, the worse it got between them. It was so stupid he couldn’t even wrap his head around it.

All he could see, while going back to the hotel, was the picture they took together, with Rin’s eager grin as he plopped his arm on his shoulder as usual.

Apparently a bad thing to focus on, while driving in the snow that started falling heavily after the sun went down on a street full of turns.

Realizing he stirred the wheel too late as that colorful picture abruptly disappeared from his mind just to leave space to a terrifying reality was the last thing he could remember.

Now he was there. Where was even this “there”?

All he could see was… black. Pitch black all around him.

It was as if only his eyes could work. At least, he had a feeling he could look around, but it was hard to tell, considering there was nothing to see. He couldn’t move a muscle. He could only stare into that bottomless nothing, not knowing up from down.

He didn’t know how much time passed.

He didn’t even know if he was still…

Well…

That was something tough to think about.

But it was… definitely a chance.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to acknowledge such a fatality.

How was he supposed to know, anyway?

Thinking was so tiring, for some reason.

The fact he could think was the only thing that made him wonder if he was actually still alive, though for how long?

He needed some colors, at least in his mind. That photograph was a great help.

If only he could focus on something other than Rin, that would have been great.

To think a fight would have been the last memory he had of him.

Do you even remember things after you die?

Why did he fight with him anyway? It was probably something really stupid. It was-

It was wrong.

But shouting back at him was everything he could do. He wanted to be with him, but he didn’t want to be too close. Any excuse was good not to be too close to him.

Thinking about it, it might have been a sort of self-defense. He couldn’t deal with Rin’s departure, so anything that could ease his bond with him was good. Was it?

Why he thought that distancing himself from Rin would have been a good idea, that was a mystery.

Why did they fight?

Why did they have to--

Why was even asking himself all these things?

He made a mess. He made a mess and…

Rin was about to leave and, for a silly thing like a fight, it was all over.

He left him with a fight as his last memory of their friendship, such a hateful feeling, when…

There we're so many things he wanted to tell him. Too many. Like “I don't hate you” or “Stay here with me” or “I want to be with you forever and I don't know why”, but it didn't really matter.

Everything was over by now. He said something he wasn't supposed to say and that winter holiday was the end of everything. 

It was so dark. Light was nowhere to be found.

Light.

Why was Rin the first thing he thought of, while thinking about light? Maybe because of his stupid essays about shining stuff.

What an idiot.

Now?

His mind was again trying to ask him what he was doing in this pitch black world.

He couldn't see anything. He couldn't even move, nor talk.

That vastness was suffocating him.

He could only observe it.

And think.

Having so much time to think was bad.

He was starting to focus too much on… feelings.

He never even thought about his feelings as “feelings”. Feelings for Rin. Huge… feelings for Rin.

Hitting his head on them was probably more painful than the hit against whatever it was that made him end up here, in this nothingness.

Regret was falling on him like a freezing shower. If only he told him… if only he even just showed him what he meant to him.

He was nothing without him. For some reason, Rin was his everything, his light, his shining future. Love, friendship… None of those things could compare with what Rin was to him. He couldn't explain that.

He was just sorry. Sorry because everything ended that way, sorry because he couldn’t apologize in time and now it was impossible. Sorry for hurting him, sorry for the words he never said to him, sorry for loving him so much he ended up harming him, because angst was the only shield he found to fight his feelings and keep them hidden.

What was the point in hiding? He was gonna die. Even if right now he was maybe still alive somewhere, there was nothing that made him feel as if there was a way out.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. It couldn't end like that.

That famous light at the end of the tunnel. Though they say not to go towards it.

If only he could see that light again. Light was always equal to Rin. For all his life. Wherever Rin was, light shone bright. Always.

He loved him so much he could feel his soul exploding under the weight of that feeling and the awareness he wasn’t going to wake up.

At this point, he just wanted to sleep.

He was tired.

Tired to think. Tired to feel things. Tired of memories.

If he couldn’t have any of that back, the best thing was to sleep and never wake up again.

He wasn’t sure he could close his eyes. If he did, there was no difference to be seen.

He just wanted everything to calm down.

Silence.

Peace.

Loneliness.

All that emptiness suddenly felt so relaxing. Getting lost in it was a nice perspective.

So calm.

So perfect.

He slowly started to feel really sleepy, to fall into a cuddling unconsciousness.

Something here and there was still resounding in his brain.

It felt the same as being in a sort of twilight sleep.

There was a strange noise, but he was surely lucid dreaming it.

It was hard to focus on it, but he felt as if someone was calling him.

_Don’t go._

It felt like that, for a moment.

A rather obvious dream, since he was about to die, probably.

Just a little more patience and he could-

_Haru._

Whoever he was dreaming about, they were calling him.

Something sounded like a sob. Were they crying?

_Haru!_

Again.

How could he fall asleep that way? That was such a bother.

That voice kept calling him. Was it just a feeling or was it louder?

He couldn’t even sleep now? He was tired to think. Sleeping was the only way, his only way out from the thought he was about to be gone forever, and he couldn’t even do that!

_Haru!!_

He was starting to get angry.

That was so bothersome!! He just wanted that to stop.

It sounded louder and louder, but he couldn’t even bring his hands to his ears.

Stop, damn it! Why did they have to shout his name like that? Why were they even crying?!

That sounded like Rin and that… was ridiculous! He couldn’t take it anymore.

He tried to speak, but it was useless. He wasn’t able to.

His voice had no sound, but the other was so overwhelming he  _had to_ scream back at it.

_Haru!_

Stop it!

_Haru!!_

Just stop it!!

He could picture Rin’s voice in his head. Hearing him pronounce his name was such a pain.

He really,  _really_ wanted to tell him to stay silent, to leave him in that darkness, if he couldn't go back to him anymore.

Yet he kept calling and calling and calling, on and on. His own name was resounding all over the black infinity around him. He was tired of hearing it. He was tired of being reminded how he had never listened to him enough when he was able to. He wanted to disappear, together with his soul and the pain he bore inside it. He wanted to forget. Forget the voice that was calling him, forget his face, forget he was bound to live an eternal life without his precious light shining ahead of him.

He tried to hit the darkness around him, but he couldn't move a muscle. Why did it have to happen? Why did he have to lose him to realize how much he was important?!

His voice in his ears was louder and louder. He couldn't hear anything else. If only he could punch his stupid face to make him stop!

He tried to tug himself free again, but his body was trapped into the void, heavy and still.

He was going crazy.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

With an enormous effort, he breathed as much air as he could in his lungs and…

“SHUT U--”

As he opened his mouth to scream those words, a blinding light appeared before his eyes.

“\--p, … Rin.”

He could feel his lips forming that word, a faint bit of air coming out in a whisper. There was no sign of his own scream in his vocal chords, but he was pretty sure he pronounced at least that last word. That name.

How could he speak that name? How could his voice come out right, this time? And why… were tears running out of his eyes?

In that watery blurriness, he could figure out a familiar shade of red in front of his face, shades and colors getting clearer and clearer. Something suddenly slid onto his cheek. He was pretty sure that tear wasn’t his.

How could… he be there in front of him?

Rin, with tears all over his desperate face, with Makoto and Sousuke holding him back for some reason.

It wasn't like the world ended. What was with that silly and surprised expression now? What was with that stupefied silence?

What was with… that sudden and unbearable need to cry?

He could feel some sort of tubes up his nose. His chest was hurting. It was as if he forgot how to use his own lungs. But it was good. Pain was good. Pain meant he could finally exist again, in the sudden realization everything, everyone, Rin, they were not a dark dream anymore.

His eyes were stinging for not having been used for who knows how long, but he couldn't close them and let the ray of sunshine before him disappear again, not even for a second. Not anymore.

A little gasp, his chest jumping in a sob that filled his numb muscles with burning air, and tears started to overflow first on his own face and then even on Rin's, again. He had never been so scared in his whole life, or death, or whatever he went through in that dark place. He had never been so happy to see Rin again. He wanted to hug him, but his whole being was hurting so bad he couldn't move. Yet he wanted to laugh. Laugh of Rin that started insulting him as if there was no tomorrow, though he was a complete mess, while he was trying with all his might not to jump on his hospital bed more than he already did, and laugh of all his friends, that couldn't help but crying too, while Makoto was running out to call for a doctor through his tears.

He felt Rin's trembling hands grabbing his own. He was somehow too tired to do the same, but he smiled, despite the sobs shaking him, focusing on that touch and closing his eyes again, sure that nothing could pull him apart from Rin again.

He could hear some sort of panicked noises and shouts right after he fell into slumber another time, but he was too tired for real this time. He just wanted to sleep. Rin’s hand was still holding his. He wasn’t going to go anywhere this time.

***

Silence was what welcomed him when he regained consciousness.

Slowly figuring out the shapes around him, he managed to focus on the ceiling first, then the white wall in front of him and the end of his bed. His right leg was dangling, in a heavy white bandage. More than a bandage, it was a cast. Broken leg. Not surprising.

Becoming more conscious of his own body, he noticed that his left arm was in the same state. He had another bandage around his head too. A little transparent tube was ending inside his right arm, the liquid slowly spilling in it.

Raising his head in the same direction, he noticed Makoto, apparently sleeping on the chair by his bed, his arms crossed. And further away, almost next to the entry door, there was even Rin, his eyes closed as well, his head against the wall.

At that sight, his heart made a weird jump and he felt a nice warmth raising to his face. He had the need to move to distract from that, but trying to do so only caused him more pain. A little lament slipped out of his throat and that was enough to make both Makoto and Rin jump. That was kind of funny.

A slightly panicked Makoto made sure to raise his mattress a bit so that he could be a little more “sat down” than before. Apparently, the doctors said he could do so.

Rin, after that first startle, didn’t move a muscle and just sat there, without a word.

He had so many questions, all of a sudden. Luckily, his childhood friend read him as fast as usual.

With a reassuring smile, Makoto calmly updated him about his body conditions: one broken leg, one broken arm, both fortunately quite easy to fix, three broken ribs and in the end a head trauma that basically sent him into a coma. They found him inside the car, against a tree that prevented him from falling down a far deeper cliff, about an hour after he smashed the guardrail going off trail, and they brought him to the nearest hospital, where he still was. He had been lucky. Really.

Opening his mouth and doing his best to make it work, Haru drawled a weak “H-how long was I…”.

Another gentle smile from Makoto. “Almost three weeks.”

That was… quite some time.

“We are taking turns. Your parents were here yesterday, after you woke up and fell asleep again,” Makoto added, smiling. “Today it’s our turn.”

At those words, Haru moved his eyes towards Rin, still sitting far from the bed, who jumped once more and looked away, most probably about to cry. He wanted to tell him something but he didn’t even know what.

That clearly couldn’t slip out of Makoto’s attention. He saw him get up, cheerfully smiling once more while saying he was going out for a phone call. The door was closed behind him and silence fell into the room.

An awkward silence indeed.

Haru stared at Rin, seeing him sniffle, still unwilling to look away from the pavement, his arms firmly crossed against his chest. His heart started racing at the simple thought of talking to him, but after what he went through, there was no way he could be afraid again.

“R-Rin,” he began, his voice still quite raspy. “Can you… come here?”

That innocent request seemed to push Rin beyond the edge of anything he was trying to hold in, since he gritted his teeth as tears started running on his face, but he stood up, doing as Haru asked and sitting by his side, where Makoto was before.

Haru stared at him. Rin was still refusing to raise his head to look at him, fingers closed in fists on his knees, where his tears were falling. He could hardly hold in the sobs. He definitely made him suffer, did he?

The night before, after he first woke up, he heard Makoto speaking to him, thought he couldn’t show him he was awake. He was telling him how Rin, who probably wasn’t in the room in that moment, was the most desperate of them all, how he kept walking up and down the room or the corridor whenever he went there for a visit, how he could hardly move on after the fight they had and how, the day he woke up, he was so overwhelmed by fear that he couldn’t help but hop on his bed, shouting his name so many times, so loud that doctors were almost about to give him a tranquilizer.

He really… went through a lot, because of him.

That thought made his chest burn. He was so sorry.

Without a word, he tried to move the hand that wasn’t trapped in a cast. He wanted to raise it, but all he could do was sliding it on the mattress. However, that was enough for Rin to understand and he held out his own hand, caressing his fingers at first, and taking it when Haru tried to do it first.

That seemed to calm down the both of them. They stayed in silence, like that, hand in hand, Haru quietly observing the tears sliding on Rin’s cheeks.

“I am… sorry I made you worry,” he mumbled, weakly.

Rin sniffed again, in what looked like a really forced pout directed towards the wall. “ Y- … don’t have to… say that.”

Haru stared at his read, puffy eyes. If only he could have caressed his head right now…

“I’m sorry, Rin.”

And this time it was clear enough that he was talking about what happened between them. Rin couldn’t stand it and just sobbed heavily, crying his heart out as he grabbed his hand with both of his, resting his forehead there too.

“Idiot!” he blurted. “How could you… How could I… without…”

He was desperately trying to recollect his words through the tears. Haru looked at him, worried and impotent. He couldn’t even imagine what went through Rin’s head while he was there, on a bed, between life and death.

“Rin, I-”

“I was afraid!” his friend interrupted him, sniffling, his head still buried next to his leg. “I couldn’t… I was… destroyed by the fear of losing you--” Another suffocated gasp. “… without… even telling you I was sorry!”

At those words, Rin held Haru’s hand even tighter.

“I couldn’t… lose…”

He said no more and Haru couldn’t feel the right to guess what it was that Rin couldn’t lose exactly. It was something important by no means, at least as important as Rin was to him.

Making an effort to move more, he tightened his catch around Rin’s fingers.

“Rin,” he called again.

This time, Rin raised his head, finally looking at him in the eyes, and when Haru did his best to pull his arm towards him, he read what he wanted quickly enough and he sat on the bed, closer to him, leaning a bit to the pillow when Haru pulled a little more.

As soon as Rin was close enough, Haru tilted his head to a side, to lean on his shoulder.

“Thanks… for calling me back,” he whispered, closing his eyes. “You were… quite the annoying one.”

These words made Rin start crying all over again. “Shut up… idiot,” he blubbered, turning just to hug him the best he could without hurting him, his head buried in the pillow.

Haru smiled, relieved, sinking his face onto his shoulder. “Just stay with me,” he asked, feeling Rin nodding feebly next to him.

He was so happy to be with him again that he couldn’t worry less about hiding how he felt. He wasn’t going to lie anymore, neither to Rin nor to himself.

That evening, his parents came to visit again, together with Nagisa and Rei. The doctors told all of them that, aside from the broken bones, there was no damage left from the incident and that Haru could be dismissed in a couple days after he regained his strength a bit. All that was left, then, was some rehab once he could move again.

“I won’t be able to swim or to stay in the water till I get rid of these,” Haru pouted, referring to the casts imprisoning his limbs.

“That’s all you are worried about?!” Rin replied, half resigned half irritated, while peeling an apple sat next to him.

He surely kept faith to his promise immediately, since he decided to book a room in that town for the couple days Haru had left in that hospital, spending all the time he could helping him out.

“Here,” he bluntly said, handing a nicely peeled slice to his friend while vaguely blushing.

Haru happily took it. “Will you help me out with rehab as you are doing now, when we get home?”

Rin in fact, under the doctors’ instructions, began to help him sit down and get his joints used to movement again, since his bones were already in good enough condition and appetite wasn’t an issue.

“Of course!” Rin exclaimed, blushing then more in front of Haru’s hopeful eyes. “You have to be able to swim again before I leave!!”

“Rest assured!” was the reply he received together with a determined yet sweet smile.

“STOP THAT!” he shouted, getting even redder as he looked away, making Haru chuckle.

When Makoto came back with Sousuke to take their friend home, everyone made clear that Rin had to sit on the backseats with Haru, since he was “his official helper”, by now. He did so while complaining and getting embarrassed and it was so clear there was a little more something to that whole situation.

“You should just move in with him till he’s ok,” Sousuke jokingly said, making his best friend even angrier.

“Hey, I have to train!” Rin protested.

“You can come after training,” Haru quietly said, making him startle.

“Oi, you--!!”

“Pfft! See? Haru doesn’t mind,” Makoto added, with the redhead’s great disappointment.

Haru observed Rin, now all flushed and noisily angry at their friends, with a tender smile, before putting his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes and enjoying the cheerful and increasing chaos that what he just did provoked. He wasn’t going to be separated from him ever again, not even now that he was about to leave for Australia. If he couldn’t be with him, he only had to give him his heart. As for Rin’s, it was already his since the day he called him back from darkness, pulling him out in that bright, blinding light, shining within him as candid as the snow.

 

**Author's Note:**

> In my dream, when Haru woke up, Rin kissed him uncaring of everyone staring at them. I wanted to give my story a less... "fairytale" feeling.  
> This was one hell of a dream, quite hard to portray the way I wanted to, but I had to write it down properly, but I hope you liked it anyway. XD  
> Thanks a lot for reading!! ♥♥♥


End file.
